This is a topic that came up for me in therapy this week and kind of took me by surprise. As someone who suffers from social anxiety I have had to become a really independent person, so the idea of relying on others for happiness at first seemed rather counter-intuitive, especially because my social life and social contact is so limited.
However, in discussing it with my therapist I came to realise that wanting the approval of others and overvaluing the way people treat me (positively and negatively) is a way of depending on others for my emotional wellbeing.
When we worry about what others think, we are really making them responsible for our feelings. Simply walking down the street and interpreting the way someone looks at me can affect my whole mood. This goes both ways to: if I interpret someone’s look as disapproval then I feel down and unworthy, and likewise, if I interpret someone’s look as approval I feel upbeat and acceptable.
No wonder I am so anxious in social situations when my emotions are at the mercy of others.
I have always interpreted this as part of the anxiety disorder, me being oversensitive to other people, that is just who I am, but I have come to see that it is more than a character trait, it is faulty thinking because I have a choice over whether I do this or not. It is up to me whether I hand over responsibility of my emotions to someone else, or take full responsibility for them and regain control over my life. Of course the downside is that if I stop allowing people to make me feel bad, I will also have to give up the feeling good when I do get positive attention. But frankly, that is a price I am more than willing to pay (convincing my subconscious of that might not be that straightforward though.)
A really good way to find out how much responsibility for your emotions you are giving away is to study your reactions when someone does not treat you as well as you treat them. If you have a tit for tat attitude toward others and find it enragingly unfair if someone you treat positively does not always treat you with the same regard (whether real or interpreted) then this is a sure sign that you are relying on them to make you feel a certain way. People who rely on others for feeling good often also take on the responsibility of other people’s emotions to and love to take care of or give advice to others. When taken to an extreme this is known as co-dependency.
We cannot control how others behave, but we can control our own behaviour.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Letting Go...
Letting Go . . .
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" it not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.
~ Author Unknown
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" it not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.
~ Author Unknown
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Resistance to Therapy
Socrates once said : “The unexamined life is a life not worth living.” Therapy is a major part of recovery from mental illness, however many patients struggle with this aspect of it, become frustrated, blame the therapist and often end up quitting therapy and trying to go it alone. I know that it has taken me several therapists over the course of ten years to finally realise that therapy is worth sticking with, and I'm finally making some substantial improvements.
Most people go into treatment and therapy with the idea that they want to remain the same, but they want to get rid of the symptoms of anxiety, depression and/or panic attacks. Unfortunately, treating most mental illness requires that we reassess and change our beliefs, our lifestyles, our values and our habits to some extent in order to relieve the symptoms.
Therapists will challenge you, question your thinking and behaviour in an effort to get you to really examine yourself and reconsider how you are living your life. Most people are resistant to this because changing anything about ourselves can be scary and requires hard work. Habits in our thinking and behaviour are there for a reason and at some point served as a solution to a problem in our lives, so we tend to cling to what has worked for us in the past. But to get better we have to come to understand that those habits are unhealthy and are what are causing our symptoms of anxiety, panic and depression.
Another thing therapists ask people to do is reassess their view of the world. Many people fall into the habit of thinking that their experience of life is normal and find it difficult to look objectively and critically at things. Our parents and family life are a good example of this. Many people think that their childhood was normal and are very reluctant to become critical of their parents, no matter how imperfect those parents might appear to an outsider. Others cling to unhealthy behaviours in the mistaken belief that they are normal or have a right to indulge in them, or have a habit of blaming others rather than accepting responsibility for the consequences of their actions.
Some people fear that therapy means losing control; that the process of therapy will make them get rid of something that they hold dear – such as a relationship or religion, - or else will uncover something undesirable about themselves that they were previously unaware of – such as really being a repressed homosexual or axe murderer. While there are many discoveries and insights into ourselves that we were previously unaware of, and their may be things that we outgrow or give up in the process of therapy, patients fears of these things, as in the examples above, are almost always exaggerated and unwarranted.
Therapy is a process of maturation, so any changes that do occur are a natural growth of the person you already are and have the potential to be. No one can change you but you, which means that you are in the driver’s seat. The therapist might make you feel uncomfortable by questioning things you have always taken for granted, but it is the patient who sets the pace of recovery.
However uncomfortable and challenging, the process of therapy can also be one of the most rewarding processes any human can go through. Personal growth leads to many rewards, not just the alleviations of obvious symptoms, but increased quality and satisfaction in our personal relations, careers and hobbies.
Most people go into treatment and therapy with the idea that they want to remain the same, but they want to get rid of the symptoms of anxiety, depression and/or panic attacks. Unfortunately, treating most mental illness requires that we reassess and change our beliefs, our lifestyles, our values and our habits to some extent in order to relieve the symptoms.
Therapists will challenge you, question your thinking and behaviour in an effort to get you to really examine yourself and reconsider how you are living your life. Most people are resistant to this because changing anything about ourselves can be scary and requires hard work. Habits in our thinking and behaviour are there for a reason and at some point served as a solution to a problem in our lives, so we tend to cling to what has worked for us in the past. But to get better we have to come to understand that those habits are unhealthy and are what are causing our symptoms of anxiety, panic and depression.
Another thing therapists ask people to do is reassess their view of the world. Many people fall into the habit of thinking that their experience of life is normal and find it difficult to look objectively and critically at things. Our parents and family life are a good example of this. Many people think that their childhood was normal and are very reluctant to become critical of their parents, no matter how imperfect those parents might appear to an outsider. Others cling to unhealthy behaviours in the mistaken belief that they are normal or have a right to indulge in them, or have a habit of blaming others rather than accepting responsibility for the consequences of their actions.
Some people fear that therapy means losing control; that the process of therapy will make them get rid of something that they hold dear – such as a relationship or religion, - or else will uncover something undesirable about themselves that they were previously unaware of – such as really being a repressed homosexual or axe murderer. While there are many discoveries and insights into ourselves that we were previously unaware of, and their may be things that we outgrow or give up in the process of therapy, patients fears of these things, as in the examples above, are almost always exaggerated and unwarranted.
Therapy is a process of maturation, so any changes that do occur are a natural growth of the person you already are and have the potential to be. No one can change you but you, which means that you are in the driver’s seat. The therapist might make you feel uncomfortable by questioning things you have always taken for granted, but it is the patient who sets the pace of recovery.
However uncomfortable and challenging, the process of therapy can also be one of the most rewarding processes any human can go through. Personal growth leads to many rewards, not just the alleviations of obvious symptoms, but increased quality and satisfaction in our personal relations, careers and hobbies.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Charles Darwin and Panic Disorder
This year there is a lot of focus on the work of naturalist Charles Darwin as 2009 marks the bicentenary of his birth.
So I was interested to read over at PANIC! blog that it seems likely that he suffered from a panic disorder.
Knowpanic.com have a more in depth article here.
Keeping a healing journal
The main reason I started this blog is so that I can talk about my personal experience of mental illness, but so far I really have only written in an abstract and objective kind of way. This is pretty typical for me. Although I keep a private journal of my more personal emotions and thoughts, I think it will take a while for me to be able to post them online.
So, I was happy when I found this post at FindingYourMarbles.com about keeping a healing journal. I think that some of the advice here will be helpful in getting me to express myself more specifically and personally, at least in my private journal and hopefully one day more publicly to.
So, I was happy when I found this post at FindingYourMarbles.com about keeping a healing journal. I think that some of the advice here will be helpful in getting me to express myself more specifically and personally, at least in my private journal and hopefully one day more publicly to.
Mind reading & emotional reasoning
Making assumptions about what other people think about us is a common habit amongst people who have anxiety disorders. The typical example wheeled out in pop psychology texts is that of walking past a group of people who laugh and assuming that they are laughing about you. I think most people can relate to feeling that at some point in their life.
The problem is that not only do people with anxiety disorders assume what people are thinking, but we also assume that our assumptions are correct and so take them as reality without ever questioning them. Cognitive therapy is a process of uncovering and challenging these assumptions. How do we know what someone else is thinking about us? Why do we always assume what they are thinking is negative? What evidence is there to support this belief?
Of course there may be times when people do think poorly of us, but if we have no proof of this, it is pointless to assume the worst and take it as fact. Most of what constitutes proof to us is the way we feel, so we mistakenly believe that if someone’s behaviour makes us feel uncomfortable there must be a reason for it. If you feel self-conscious in public it must be because people are focussing on you. If you feel like a stupid boring person, then you must be.
Reading people’s minds and reasoning that emotions equate to facts are both kinds of irrational thinking and need to be challenged. To challenge these erroneous beliefs you can use this list of ways to untwist your thinking here.
The problem is that not only do people with anxiety disorders assume what people are thinking, but we also assume that our assumptions are correct and so take them as reality without ever questioning them. Cognitive therapy is a process of uncovering and challenging these assumptions. How do we know what someone else is thinking about us? Why do we always assume what they are thinking is negative? What evidence is there to support this belief?
Of course there may be times when people do think poorly of us, but if we have no proof of this, it is pointless to assume the worst and take it as fact. Most of what constitutes proof to us is the way we feel, so we mistakenly believe that if someone’s behaviour makes us feel uncomfortable there must be a reason for it. If you feel self-conscious in public it must be because people are focussing on you. If you feel like a stupid boring person, then you must be.
Reading people’s minds and reasoning that emotions equate to facts are both kinds of irrational thinking and need to be challenged. To challenge these erroneous beliefs you can use this list of ways to untwist your thinking here.
Friday, April 10, 2009
The demographics of panic attacks
This quote from an article at anxietyinsights.info about panic attacks and PTSD shows some interesting correlations between demographics and panic attacks that I thought were worth reproducing here.
"The study examined panic attacks during a traumatic experience among people exposed to the events at the World Trade Center in New York City on Sept. 11,
2001. Among the study's key findings:
- People between the ages of 30 and 44 suffered the highest rate of panic
attacks, compared to other age groups;- People with the highest education were the least likely to suffer a panic
attack;- Hispanics were more likely to have panic attacks than other ethnic groups;
- Thirty percent of those who suffered panic attacks in the aftermath of Sept. 11 had depression prior to the event.
Panic attacks can include shortness of breath, heart pounding, sweating, trembling or shaking, chills or hot flashes, and a sense that there is no reality.
About 10 percent of Americans suffer isolated panic attacks each year, according to federal government statistics. That rate increases dramatically when people are involved in traumatic events. "
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